I've been thinking of doing this for a while. I need an outlet for all the crap going on in my head.
My oldest daughter died. It's been 5 months. Sometimes it seems like it's been too long and sometimes not long enough. Every day there is at least one moment when I forget she is gone. I am surprised when I walk into the next room and I don't see her. Then I get hit with another insurmountable wave of grief.
If anyone were to ask me how I feel, which pretty much no one does with any intention of hearing the truth, this is what I would tell them:
I feel as though I am naked in the bottom of a giant canyon. It is so wide I can't see the edges and so deep I can't see the top. The walls of the canyon are made of ice. I am screaming my daughter's name as loud as my voice will allow and it simply dissolves into the cold and stillness that is the absence of my child.
There. I bet they would love to hear that. No one knows what to say to me. And really, I can't blame them. I wouldn't have known either. Now I do. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't have to belong to this stupid club. I want nothing more than to hold my child for the rest of my life.
I have 5 living children. They are wonderful. I sometimes can't decide if caring for them makes it easier or harder. They tend to keep me from falling into the absolute darkest depths of my depression because just as I am starting to fall even further, someone cries, or needs to eat, or needs to show me something. I love them all so much. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have to care for them at this point. I do know that I would spend a lot of time in bed, perhaps days, maybe weeks.
Ah, I have so much to write about. Vaccine injury, natural parenting, homeopathy, cranial sacral work, knitting............
But this is where I have to start.