Well, what can I say? It sucked. It was horrible.
It's not anything that anyone did or didn't do. It's just that my daughter, she's dead.
I was told that the holidays would be hard, but I honestly thought they would be easier than this. I wanted to hide all day, but I can't do that because the depression I fall into when I do that is completely unmanagable. At this moment there is nothing that could possibly make me feel better. I am on the edge of a panic attack all the time. Talk about exhausting.
Yesterday I managed to get out of the house with only the baby in order to run errands. Funny that I view that type of thing as a "break" now. I really need some time alone with my daughter. I want to talk to her, feel her spirit with me and remember her, but not in this obsessive way that I do it now. I obsess because with all that is demanded of me 24 hours a day, I am afraid I will forget something about her, and I want to remember absolutely everything. The way her hair felt and looked~ all those light brown highlights, up in a ponytail. The way she smelled~ like lavender, everything was like lavender, I'll tell that story someday here. Those silly raspberries she blew all the time and the wonderful giggle she had.
I feel like I have negative stuff just building and building and there is no outlet.
Dh was supposed to talk to a vaccine injury lawyer today. I was going to ask when he called to check on me, but he never did.