Monday, December 18, 2006
Grief is described as a journey. And no matter how much support you have, it is a journey you must make alone. No one else can feel your pain, or think your thoughts, or catch your breath for you.
I discovered yet another level to this grieving journey I am on. The feeling of betrayal. When those you love and care for so much decide that the way you are dealing with grief is not the correct way to do it. When they suddenly become uncomfortable with hearing your thoughts and feelings and even with being in your presence. When this happened to me, I felt as though my skin had been ripped away. I could feel the pain coursing through my bloodstream. Sounds odd, but it was a true, sharp, physical sensation. I wanted to escape it but I couldn't. It has moderated now, and left an ache in it's wake. I can deal with the ache. The urgent need to get away from it is gone. I wondered for a while if that is how people who are suicidal feel~ as if they must escape. I am not suicidal because I know that I am here for a reason~ one that is beyond my understanding. I value beyond measure anyone who has been willing to hear the depths of my pain. When I have to choke back mentioning my daughter I feel sick. My company today was not comfortable with the mention of Marissa's name. So I didn't say it. And I felt like I would throw up. I need to stop that. I want my living children to remember her and talk about her all the time, and I know they will take their cues from me.
I am not the same person I was on June 10, 2006. I will never be that person again. In a split second while holding my dying daughter I understood what truly matters in life. What most of us merely pay lip service to, suddenly made sense on the most basic level. I still feel that, but the question is, can I stay true to myself? It's proving to be harder than I thought it would be.
I don't write these things to make people feel uncomfortable or guilty or anything else. I write for myself and for those who unfortunately find themselves on a similar path. When I went looking for information such as this, I found very little. Grief is already very isolating. I want to make it OK to dive into the depths of emotion so that people can heal rather than suppress or ignore something so fundamentally important. Maybe I'll write a book (In my free time! Haha)
I have been doing some research into grieving customs and it seems that a year is generally the bare minimum for intense grief. I hereby claim my year. After that perhaps I will consider the claims that I need to start to feel better. How can I ever feel better if I only suppress the indescribable pain and don't feel it?