I went to a counseling appointment today. It was interesting. I chose this particular counselor because I have different beliefs than most people. I'm not Christian, I'm not Pagan, I'm not even Buddhist (although I would align myself most closely with this particular tradition). I sort of have my own thing going on. It's just me believing what I know to be true. I no longer label myself anything and in a sense, that is freeing. In another sense it is confining, because it confuses people and they don't know what box to put me in.
So because of these different beliefs, I'm very wary of discussing my grief with anyone calling themselves a professional. I have visions of me baring my soul while the counselor quietly dials the nearest mental hospital so they can come and lock me up. This woman was highly recommended by a friend who claims that she has beliefs similar to mine.
I went to see her today. She's definitely a counselor. She says what she's supposed to say and "hmmms" and "uh-huhs" in all the right places. She felt pretty phony. She felt just like the counselors I saw a decade or so ago. After those experiences, I had decided that counseling was garbage. I feel the need to be way too guarded~ not only with my spiritual beliefs, but with my mothering decisions. How would she feel about co-sleeping? How would she feel if she knew I have unassisted births? The way I am feeling now, after seeing her, she will not get to know these things, and that can only be detrimental. How can she help me heal if I can't speak the truth?
I commited to bringing my 3 year old next week to do some play therapy. She struggles more than the other kids, at least outwardly. She hides and cries and has stopped speaking to a large extent. She misses her sister and it breaks my heart. Perhaps this counselor can help her and then it will be worthwhile. I plan on being in the room the whole time. I can't see any reason for my extremely shy and traumatized 3 year old to be without me with someone she doesn't know and who I am not sure I trust.
I feel pretty screwed. It absolutely sucks to feel as if there is no safe place to turn.
I have a few very good friends and I thank the Universe for them every day. They help me trudge forward.