Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Last night I watched video of Marissa for the first time since she died. It was weird. I'm not sure how to put it into words. People used to say that pictures steal your soul. I can see how they would think that now. I saw her on the screen, but something was different. Not anything I can describe. Just a subtle difference.

I watched Marissa as a 5 year old watching her brother and sisters play. I watched her sit in the leaves in the backyard as we all tried to get her in the spirit of fall and entice her to laugh. She just sat there grumpily. She didn't care to be outside for too long. I watched her on her 8th and final birthday, when the camera was all about her.

There are two reasons I'm glad I watched the video. First, I got to hear her laugh and blow her raspberries. Those are two sounds I dearly miss. Second, I saw how her siblings love her. They went out of their way to include her in play, to talk to her, to make her laugh. Someone almost always had an arm around Rissa. I didn't realize how involved in her life they all were. I guess it's hard to pay attention in the moment.

So I'm glad for the tapes. At the same time, I'm not sure how they make me feel. Maybe it's because it's nothing more than an image of my daughter, which is painfully apparent now that she is gone. But they will help me remember things I may otherwise have forgotten. And my living children will be able to look and remember when they get older as well.


gwendomama said...

I stumbled upon your blog thru a comment on badger's site.
It has been almost 3 yrs since my son died and I still can't watch the video.

barefoot mama said...

I'm so sorry you have this pain too ((hugs))