Sleep

Sleep deprivation is not fun. I understand why it's used as torture when I am nursing a babe who jerks awake repeatedly, just as I am about to nod off. My poor brain thinks it's about to shut down, only to be jarred back to life. Then there is the toddler, who for some reason has decided that nursing 5 to 7 times each night is a great idea. I try to tell her no, but she is loud. If you have little ones, you understand. The screaming wakes the whole house up. And believe me, the only solution is to give in and nurse. We try appealing to her toddler sensibility and beg her to please be patient while Mommy finishes nursing the baby. I try to get her to wait until the sun comes up, or to get "Daddy huggies", I've even promised to make cookies the next day. All to no avail. There is only one thing that will make her quiet, and that's nursies.

The baby is learning to crawl, which is really cute. He is taking his sweet time. Pushing up on hands and knees and looking around for approval. Kids #2 through #5 were all zipping around on all fours at 5 months, pulling to stand at 6 months, and taking first steps at 8 months. I am enjoying this slower pace. This is the track Marissa was on.

Anyway, I think that part of the baby's sleep difficulty comes from learning a new skill. Doesn't the brain rewire or something when new skills are learned? So for this reason, I want him to just go ahead and crawl. I am TIRED. I realize the outlet plugs will have to be plugged back in and the gate will have to go up at the top of the steps, and he will have to be vigilantly watched, but maybe I can rest at night so I can actually keep up with all that.

So what the heck am I doing up right now when all the children are sleeping? I realize this is stupid. I am going to bed.

Last night I watched video of Marissa for the first time since she died. It was weird. I'm not sure how to put it into words. People used to say that pictures steal your soul. I can see how they would think that now. I saw her on the screen, but something was different. Not anything I can describe. Just a subtle difference.

I watched Marissa as a 5 year old watching her brother and sisters play. I watched her sit in the leaves in the backyard as we all tried to get her in the spirit of fall and entice her to laugh. She just sat there grumpily. She didn't care to be outside for too long. I watched her on her 8th and final birthday, when the camera was all about her.

There are two reasons I'm glad I watched the video. First, I got to hear her laugh and blow her raspberries. Those are two sounds I dearly miss. Second, I saw how her siblings love her. They went out of their way to include her in play, to talk to her, to make her laugh. Someone almost always had an arm around Rissa. I didn't realize how involved in her life they all were. I guess it's hard to pay attention in the moment.

So I'm glad for the tapes. At the same time, I'm not sure how they make me feel. Maybe it's because it's nothing more than an image of my daughter, which is painfully apparent now that she is gone. But they will help me remember things I may otherwise have forgotten. And my living children will be able to look and remember when they get older as well.

Mastitis

Ever heard how Incredibly. Painful. mastitis can be? That ain't no joke.

I had mastitis (an infection of the milk ducts in the (usually) lactating breast) about a month ago. Oh, I felt awful. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I had a bad case of the flu. It was not fun, but I found my remedy pretty quickly and everything resolved. I just felt icky for a few days.

Last Monday, I was cooking dinner at 4:00pm. I thought I felt like I might be coming down with something. I talked to my friend, trying to figure out what the remedy might be, after failing on my own. We came up with a few options, none of them hitting the mark, unfortunately.

By 6:00pm, I was shaking like a leaf. I was freezing cold and hurt everywhere. I called dh at work and asked him what the soonest he could get home was. He didn't think he could be here before 9:00. I said that was fine, because that was the best he could do. I was SO cold that I got into a tub of very hot water, which probably was not the best idea in hindsight. I'm sure it pushed my already high fever up even higher, but even mountains of blankets weren't doing the trick.

By 7:00pm I was lying in bed with the baby beside me, literally crying and rolling back and forth. I was in intense pain and had no idea what to do to mitigate it. I was incapable of caring for my children. My seven year old did an outstanding job following directions and herding everyone into my bedroom or nearby so I knew they were safe.

Then I started throwing up. As I sat in the bathroom, I decided I needed to get to the hospital. There was no way on earth I was going to be able to wait until morning or even until dh got home. My seven year old went next door and our neighbors came immediately. One stayed with the kids and the other drove me to the hospital.

I went to a small nearby hospital rather than the monster hospital downtown, and I'm glad I did because *nearly* everyone was very nice and respectful. Honestly, when the nurse left me in the room and asked if I had any questions, my only question was "How long until you give me pain meds?". I am not a wimp, by the way. I give birth at home unassisted for pete's sake. You would think a little bit of mastitis wouldn't bother me too much. But when dh finally got to the hospital I said "They pumped me full of drugs and I Do Not Care because I don't hurt anymore."

After being discharged with the mandatory dose of antibiotics, an anti-nausea drug (Zofran), and whatever narcotic they put in my IV, I went home to continue vomiting. Whee! So not only did I have minimal sleep because drugged sleep is just not good sleep, but I had to awaken every hour to trudge into the bathroom and lean over the toliet. Yippee. BUT the pain was so much less that I did not care.

So for 48 hours I threw up just about every hour. Thank goodness I finally took Bryonia and stopped that. I still felt immeasurably better than I would have.

Some people think of me as completely anti western medicine. But I truly am not. I just think it is extremely overused. And I am still very glad I went to the ER last Monday.

The Internet

I have a strange relationship with my computer. Periods of time will go by when I am on every day. I spend lots of time browsing MDC and other similar websites and perhaps blogs. I read about knitting. The kids and I look up random things such as the configuration of the galaxy (we can do that~ thank you unschooling:o)). And quite honestly, after a while, it becomes my escape. The kids start screaming and yelling and demanding, and I sit down to nurse the baby and pop the laptop open. I don't like it when I use it like that. I can zone out for quite a while. Nursing baby, prolactin flowing~ aaaaaaaah. I can barely hear the fighting.

Soon I have to come back to reality; and in all honesty, "quite a while" for me is 15 minutes or so. But I don't feel refreshed, as I feel when I have truly taken time for myself~ a bath, a walk, etc. Instead I am more frustrated and find it even harder to continue on with my day.

Then I have periods such as the one I happen to be in now. I'm not sure why or how this starts, but suddenly while cruising around the internet, I am bored. I lose interest in the goings-on of other people's lives. I get much more immersed in my family again. The time I spend on the computer is minimal and it doesn't bother me that it is.

The internet is a crazy place anyway. It's not real, and it is, at the same time. I type words into my computer to try and help someone, or give my opinion, or just vent, and I know that somehow, someone somewhere could make the decision to delete it all. Weird.

I've been told that those who followed my generation have a different perspective. Part of me is sad for that. We miss so much when we sacrifice our face to face and even phone interactions. I think it's important to be in a space where your family and real-life friends are all-consuming.

I'm sure I'll be back on-line with more frequency again. It is one of the things I do while waiting for my husband to get home from work at night, after all. As in all things, I imagine the key is moderation.