Truly. That's what this is. The highs are higher than I've ever experienced before. The feeling that things will be OK, that I was immeasurably blessed to have cared for Marissa in the short time that I had her; and that is enough~ except. Except it's not. The highs have an undercurrent of unbearable sadness. When the transitory good feeling passes in hours or days and possibly weeks, I know that what is left is this. Where I am now.
I love school. I'm doing really well. Marissa led me here. It was so perfectly orchestrated. I was really high on that for a while. Now I'm back to what seems to be my set point. I thought about putting a positive spin on this, and I could, but that would not be the truth, and the truth is what matters most.
It's spring. I love spring. Everything is reborn~ except Marissa. She's not here with me anymore. This is my first spring without her. The last pictures we have of her were taken last May, a few weeks before she died. May is coming soon. Time is totally crazy that way. I can't wrap my brain around it. How is it possible that my baby will be gone an entire year this summer?
I very rarely cry. The pain seems so far beyond what simple tears could ever hope to relieve. I feel like such a fraud; walking around like things actually matter. Paying bills and cleaning the house as if I care at all. I talk to people on the phone and it just seems so stupid. We talk about nothing important and I pretend I'm fine.
I watch the baby sleep and I can see his sister's face perfectly. I can't stand to look at him sometimes because it hurts too much. But at the same time I am intensely grateful that I can see Marissa so clearly in him.
How do people live with this pain? And the roller coaster? Does it even out eventually? And at what cost? Do I have to forget what it was like when she was alive? Do I just become numb to it all?
As I finished this post, my 7 year old brought me a handful of lavender flowers she found growing by the house. Hi Rissa Roo:o)