Friday, March 23, 2007

Roller coaster ride

Truly. That's what this is. The highs are higher than I've ever experienced before. The feeling that things will be OK, that I was immeasurably blessed to have cared for Marissa in the short time that I had her; and that is enough~ except. Except it's not. The highs have an undercurrent of unbearable sadness. When the transitory good feeling passes in hours or days and possibly weeks, I know that what is left is this. Where I am now.

I love school. I'm doing really well. Marissa led me here. It was so perfectly orchestrated. I was really high on that for a while. Now I'm back to what seems to be my set point. I thought about putting a positive spin on this, and I could, but that would not be the truth, and the truth is what matters most.

It's spring. I love spring. Everything is reborn~ except Marissa. She's not here with me anymore. This is my first spring without her. The last pictures we have of her were taken last May, a few weeks before she died. May is coming soon. Time is totally crazy that way. I can't wrap my brain around it. How is it possible that my baby will be gone an entire year this summer?

I very rarely cry. The pain seems so far beyond what simple tears could ever hope to relieve. I feel like such a fraud; walking around like things actually matter. Paying bills and cleaning the house as if I care at all. I talk to people on the phone and it just seems so stupid. We talk about nothing important and I pretend I'm fine.

I watch the baby sleep and I can see his sister's face perfectly. I can't stand to look at him sometimes because it hurts too much. But at the same time I am intensely grateful that I can see Marissa so clearly in him.

How do people live with this pain? And the roller coaster? Does it even out eventually? And at what cost? Do I have to forget what it was like when she was alive? Do I just become numb to it all?

As I finished this post, my 7 year old brought me a handful of lavender flowers she found growing by the house. Hi Rissa Roo:o)


Anonymous said...

Not having gone through what you are going through, I cannot possibly begin to know what you are feeling. I hope it helps you to know that there are people thinking of you, praying for you, and sending love and good wishes to you as you follow your day-to-day path. I do believe that it will get easier. I also believe that people have to grieve in their own way and that there is no time-table for it, that also is day-to-day.

Best of luck to you in your studies!

Anonymous said...

Where did you go? I hope everything is going good with your studies!
Happy Mother's Day!


Anonymous said...

You don't get over it. It's not possible to forget or push it out of your mind. The ache is always there. Please remember that you will see her again and be with her. The waiting is the worst part, I believe. Know that she is with you and you will both be together again.

You will make an awesome homeopathic practitioner! :)