Roller coaster ride

Truly. That's what this is. The highs are higher than I've ever experienced before. The feeling that things will be OK, that I was immeasurably blessed to have cared for Marissa in the short time that I had her; and that is enough~ except. Except it's not. The highs have an undercurrent of unbearable sadness. When the transitory good feeling passes in hours or days and possibly weeks, I know that what is left is this. Where I am now.

I love school. I'm doing really well. Marissa led me here. It was so perfectly orchestrated. I was really high on that for a while. Now I'm back to what seems to be my set point. I thought about putting a positive spin on this, and I could, but that would not be the truth, and the truth is what matters most.

It's spring. I love spring. Everything is reborn~ except Marissa. She's not here with me anymore. This is my first spring without her. The last pictures we have of her were taken last May, a few weeks before she died. May is coming soon. Time is totally crazy that way. I can't wrap my brain around it. How is it possible that my baby will be gone an entire year this summer?

I very rarely cry. The pain seems so far beyond what simple tears could ever hope to relieve. I feel like such a fraud; walking around like things actually matter. Paying bills and cleaning the house as if I care at all. I talk to people on the phone and it just seems so stupid. We talk about nothing important and I pretend I'm fine.

I watch the baby sleep and I can see his sister's face perfectly. I can't stand to look at him sometimes because it hurts too much. But at the same time I am intensely grateful that I can see Marissa so clearly in him.

How do people live with this pain? And the roller coaster? Does it even out eventually? And at what cost? Do I have to forget what it was like when she was alive? Do I just become numb to it all?

As I finished this post, my 7 year old brought me a handful of lavender flowers she found growing by the house. Hi Rissa Roo:o)

Those everyday things that go wrong..........and more

We woke up yesterday to a broken bathroom faucet and had to spend all day with the water shut off. My dh had to work, and I hear that plumbers are outrageously expensive. I am so grateful for the internet because I was able to google plumbing troubleshooting and come up with what might be wrong. This morning dh is off to Home Depot or some place like that to get a new seal. Meanwhile, the water is still off! I turned it on briefly this morning and raced through a pile of dishes as fast as I could and got things wiped up and flushed the toliets. Yeah, that was the best part with 7 people in the house~ no way to flush the toliets. :P Lucky for me, dh is able to fix it. We are also blessed that we happen to have a bunch of bottled water, so we won't be thirsty and I can have my coffee.

I haven't posted for a while. I'm in school! I love it. In high school you couldn't get me to go to class and I graduated by the skin of my teeth and a couple teachers who knew I could and should do better. I went to college and hated it. Well, the school part I hated. I did like the classes in my major, but truly I didn't care at all about the other ones. Studying was a chore and I pretty much did the last minute cram thing. So I graduated and worked in a job that wasn't even in my field and now have been at home with my kids for the last 9 years or so. This is different. This is homeopathy. I LOVE it. I was studying it before anyway, but now I get to work toward my degree, which gives me even more incentive. I just got my first papers back and got A's on all, plus extra points. :o) I don't think anyone's ever seen me give a damn about an A before. Well, I am quite a bit older now, my partying days are well behind me, and, well, like I said, it's homeopathy.....how can you not love that?